The new Premier League season starts in a few weeks, but the latest effort by Nike, Adidas and other uniform-makers to get us to shell out $120 for a slightly-altered version of our favorite team’s jersey has already arrived.

I’m sure that the first executive at Umbro or Puma or wherever to say “Hey, if we make the stripes on this jersey a little thicker and change the tint of blue on the piping, then these suckers will have to buy a whole new shirt” is sort of a Lincoln-esque figure in the world of sports apparel, mythical and revered. Still, I consider the rolling out of the new unis to be to the Premier League what “pitchers and catchers report today” is to MLB. I enjoy seeing the new styles.

And I enjoy shitting all over the new styles. Look: I’m a comedian - shitting on things pays my bills. So, here’s my review of each team’s new uniforms, with the cynicism dialed up for maximum effect.

Before I start, it should be stated that almost everything in this article I got from this Hub Pages article; except for the relentless sarcasm, which I got from being unpopular in high school.

Arsenal. It’s nice except for the thick red, white and blue stripes on the sleeves and socks. Here’s the problem: they remind me of the tube socks my dad wore through all of the ‘80s and well into the ‘90s. Honestly, I don’t know where he was even getting them from in the ‘90s, since they were last manufactured in about 1986. He must have bought a 120-pack at Gold Circle in about 1985 and then just rode-out that stockpile into the Clinton administration.

Aston Villa. The home shirts look like they always do; the away shirt is the color things turn when exposed to nuclear radiation in cartoons. I believe that color is called Inanimate Carbon Rod.

Chelsea. The only thing interesting here is the gold lettering. Did Adidas make the decision to use gold lettering before or after Chelsea won the Champions League? If they made it before: that is a gutsy move. Because gold anything in soccer usually means “we won something” not “we finished behind Newcastle”.

Everton. Um, yep...that’s an Everton shirt. I like simplicity, I like classic looks, so I like this shirt for any other team. But Everton are arguably a boring team; the only suspense every year is whether they will finish seventh or eighth. They need to spice things up. Maybe go St. Pauli on us. Maybe add some sequins. Has anyone suggested a nipple-less shirt? I don’t know - I’m just spitballing here.

Fulham. I’m glad that my wife got me a Fulham shirt at these-must-have-asbestos-in-them prices at the end of last season, because I do not like this new shirt. Did Fulham recently sign someone really fat? Why the pinstripes? If Fulham are going to dress like the Yankees, then I sure hope they start winning titles like the Yankees.

Liverpool. I actually like this a lot - probably my favorite one of the batch. Simple, classic, sharp. Here you can see it on Luis Suarez - it is the only time you will see him wearing this shirt without grass stains from diving.

Manchester City. Chelsea’s uniforms have more gold than a Turkish disco, and yet Man City’s have no gold on them at all. They’re simple, respectable. But where is the “we won a title after 44 years” statement on this jersey? Why isn’t the third star over the crest the size of a large pizza? Why aren’t they sponsored by the letters “F” and “U” directed at Manchester United? Now is the time to gloat.

Manchester United. These are my least-favorite new uniforms of the batch. The shirts look like a tablecloth at an Italian restaurant. The away shorts look like the boxer shorts worn by every American male born before 1935 (seriously: if you served in WWII or Korea you were issued two pairs of these that you were to make last for the rest of your life). I will not be able to watch Man U wear those shorts without having flashbacks to my grandpa sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading the morning paper.

Newcastle. This uniform will be seen playing in the Champions League next year, at least when it is not sneaking out of a 1920s prison or serving as the inspiration for a turn-of-the century bathing suit.

Norwich City. This looks exactly the same as last year to me. Which I guess makes sense because not even people in Norwich buy Norwich City jerseys. They’re going to sell a couple of these to the team’s equipment manager and that’s it.

QPR. I believe the inspiration for QPR’s home look was Mr. Smee from Captain Hook.

Reading. Imagine the awkwardness when Reading and QPR show up wearing the same thing. I say the results of the ensuing “Who Wore It Better?” segment in People Magazine should determine which team gets to avoid relegation.

Southampton. Southampton got it right: ditch the red and white stripes, we don’t need another one of those teams in the Premier League. Leave that to Stoke, Sunderland and barbershop quartets.

Swansea. Wait ... I’ve been complaining about Chelsea using gold, and now SWANSEA have more gold than Donald Trump’s bathroom? Guys, surviving a season in the Premiership is not a reason to break out the gold lettering. How about green lettering, as in “not getting relegated when everyone thought we would be, sure has been lucrative”?  

Tottenham. Forget the uniforms - with the smoke and the brooding eyes, that photo looks like the cast shot from Magic Mike, with Scott Parker seemingly prepared to give the full Monty. Presumably, Aerosmith’s “Dr. Feelgood” is playing in the background.

West Brom. This is why jersey sponsorship is effective: after seeing this shirt, I had to find out what Zoopla is. Turns out it’s either a real estate web site. Though the name “Zoopla” is more appropriate for sort of a Discovery Zone-slash-Petting Zoo-type business.

West Ham. Cool. I’m pretty sure all they did was take the 2008 Villa shirt, jimmied the lion off and replaced it with a West Ham crest, but cool.

Wigan. This look “is a throwback to Wigan’s first year as a Premier League club”. Which was 2005. Wow - way to invoke a long and storied history that goes all the way back to 2005. If you wanted to invoke 2005, you could just have them wear Ugg boots.