The LA Galaxy and Real Salt Lake got into a minor spat on Twitter this week, much to my delight. MLS needs more of this. Twitter needs more of this. Too often, Twitter is used to blandly convey factual information (“go to this thing which is happening at this place at this time”) instead of being used the way the internet was intended: to hide behind a veil of anonymity and voice the worst elements of human nature. MLS tweeters, I encourage you: don’t be bland, stir up some shit. Trash talk, be sarcastic. It’s easy - below I’ve re-written some recent (and real) tweets from MLS teams to be a bit more blunt and a bit more provocative, starting with the Salt Lake-LA Galaxy exchange. I think you’ll agree: my style of tweeting is much more entertaining.

@Real Salt Lake, 8/16: @LA Galaxy: if playoffs started today, you guys are 5th based on PPG...Check 2001 for how MLS playoff seeding handles uneven # of games.

Rewritten: Your claims of being on the cusp of second place are more exaggerated than the bulge in David Beckham’s underwear ad.


@LA Galaxy, 8/16: If playoffs started today, lagalaxy are in 3rd.

Rewritten: If the playoffs started today, we would be in them, at which point we would tell our superstars that they need to actually start trying now.


@HoustonDynamo, 8/21: “He’s going to play on Wednesday and he’s going to play well” - Dominic Kinnear on Goalkeeper Ty Deric.

Rewritten: Let’s all remember that Ty Deric makes $44,000 a year so if he even puts his shoes on the right feet he’s value for money.


@DCUnited, 8/19: First 7,500 fans inside RFK receive a free Dwayne De Rosario bobblehead.

Rewritten: First 50 fans inside RFK get to battle the feral raccoons that control the stadium on non-match days. Next 7,450 get bobbleheads.


@New York Red Bulls, 8/21: Reyna Run 2012 - the 5K race through Newark and Harrison kicks off September 16.

Rewritten: If you ever find yourself in Newark or Harrison, we recommend running as fast as you can...so why not do it for charity!?!


@Chivas USA, 8/21: It’s your weekly ritual! Vote for @1DanKennedy for #MLS save of the week!

Rewritten: God, we are getting shelled this year. Every week Dan Kennedy has to make like five great saves just to keep the scoreline respectable.


@Seattle Sounders FC, 8/20: Seattle’s average attendance for an @MLS match this year: 42,666.

Rewritten: We average 42,666. You couldn’t get 42 thousand people to an FC Dallas match on Free Lobster And A Hand Job Night.


@FC Dallas, 8/23: Just over 24 hours remaining on this week’s #FCDeal! Get 2 endline seats for $25, or 2 sideline for $35 for Sept. matches.

Rewritten: Free lobster and hand jobs!


@Sporting KC, 8/14: Safe to say they should stick to their day job. Thanks for having us, @Royals!pic.twitter.com/FNnyPid0

Rewritten: Meh...could still probably pitch for the Royals. pic.twitter.com/FNnyPid0


@Colorado Rapids, 8/6: Congrats to the #USWNT! Dramatic 4-3 overtime win over Canada on last minute header to advance to Gold Medal game!

Rewritten: This year is a lost cause for the ‘Pids, so let’s get with a winner...go USWNT!


@Portland Timbers, 8/17: Heading to the Big Apple for the match? Share your stories, pics, vids, and more with hashtag #NYAway.

Rewritten: Heading to the Big Apple for the match? Send us pics of you buying organic muffins in the Village, walking barefoot on the High Line, and sifting through record stores in Brooklyn, you crunchy Portland hippies.


@San Jose Earthquakes, 8/17: Cross another team off the @ChrisWondo hit list. He’s now scored against every MLS team except Portland and Houston.

Rewritten: Attention Houston: the guy you kept on your bench for years has scored against every MLS team except for you and one other. You’d better believe he has your name tattooed on his forearm like the guy from Momento.


@Columbus Crew, 8/22: With the two goals tonight, you will receive 2 FREE toppings on any large pizza at any Central Ohio Donatos location.

Rewritten: Good news: two free toppings. Bad news: it HAS to be on a Donatos. And no: you can’t just get the toppings and put them on a cheese pizza you ordered from somewhere else.


@NE Revolution, 8/21: @ESPNBoston breaks down the first 25 minutes of action from last Saturday’s game.

Rewritten: @ESPNBoston breaks down the first 25 minutes of action from last Saturday’s game. Find out which plays were “wicked pissa” and which plays “sucked wicked haaa(r)d.”


@Toronto FC, 8/18: Here are highlights from today’s match in Kia’s Game In Six Minutes.

Rewritten: We know you can’t take full 90 minutes of this team, but see if you can handle six without vomiting.


@Vancouver Whitecaps, 8/18 (before a match against the Sounders): Kermit the Frog once said, “It’s not easy being green.”

Rewritten: We Canadians don’t really do trash talk. Philly and NY fans - could you please send some spare insults our way that we can re-tweet? #weareverypolite


@Impact De Montreal, 8/23: Deux matchs interressants pour la course aux series a regarder ce soir sur live.mls.soccer.com de compter de 19h30.

Rewritten: Ou est la bibliotheque? La bibliotheque est la-bas. Jean-Paul aime beaucoup la bibliotheque.


@Chicago Fire, 8/13: VOTE: Chris Rolfe for AT&T Goal of the Week!

Rewritten: VOTE: Chris Rolfe for AT&T Goal of the Week! And vote “Chicago style” - just keep clicking ‘till your index finger is blistered.


@Philadelphia Union, 8/18: Signed up for the 3rd Annual Blood Drive yet? This year there are two days to choose from - 9/22 or 9/29.

Rewritten: Hey, Philly fans: giving blood means you can get trashed on two Yuenglings. See you on the 22^nd!