The War on Baseball: Getting Hits from Phony HateNothing garners more publicity than bashing a sport where its fans try to bash back
by Abram Chamberlain | Monday, April 16, 2012
I despise baseball. Ask anyone who knows anything about me, they’ll let you know. Baseball has to be the most inherently boring sport. More boring than golf or bowling, baseball is the perfect antidote for insomniacs with caffeine addictions. I was forced to play Little League as a child, but once I discovered lacrosse, I jumped off the baseball bandwagon faster than Manny Ramirez retires for justifiably proven PED accusations. I hate it. Hate it. HATE IT. But, you will not catch me writing long winded, overwrought, misinformed articles on why I hate it – previous 95 words notwithstanding.
But if for some reason or another I decided to write of my abhorrence of stick-ball, I can guarantee it would probably be one of my most read pieces. I would get slammed by readers as being un-American, not smart enough to understand the game, an egoist or just plain stupid. But those comments would be from idiotic, diehard baseball lovers who wouldn’t recognize a real sport shouldn’t have an overweight star belting homeruns out of the park.
Nevertheless, in my imaginary “baseball is stupid” article, the comments would probably go into the tens of hundreds, if not thousands and the Soccer Newsday server would most likely crash faster from excessive hits than Ken Griffey Jr. falling asleep in the clubhouse at the tail end of his career.
Yet, the thing is, regardless of their negative nature, regardless of the car-crash-head-turning mentality of those fans, I’d have created traffic from nothing, controversy from naught. We’d have discovered that if we were having a slow period, a negative baseball article would be just what we needed to get people fired back up like greenies.
But it would get even better, because people who thought my anti-baseball-ism was ridiculously uninformed would send viral messages around the interwebs. My article would be tweeted to baseball fans by supposedly disgusted baseball groups ad nauseum. Big Baseball (probably not a real website, but you get it) would feature everyone saying just how dumb I am and link to the article and - if I’m lucky - my twitter account. They would tell people to go to my article and post comments on how stupid I am. Perhaps pseudo baseball “journalists” like Paul O'Neill would challenge me to a game of baseball in the park – which I would obviously oblige him with as it would further publicize my name and position to a greater anti-audience.
And even if everyone else made valid, effective cases, I’d still be racking up the hits, comments and notoriety. Now take the number of baseball fans and multiply that by, I don’t know, 1,000. Now imagine it was not just American, and maybe South American and Japanese, baseball fans that got mad, but rather a contingent of unhappy people from all corners of the globe. Could you even imagine the type of publicity I could get by posting anti-baseball stuff with that sort of audience telling me how stupid I was? The numbers would be enormous; my repute would be bigger than Barry Bonds’ head!
It, obviously, would be a genius marketing plan on my part. And ironically it would be moronically driven attention by those loathsome baseball fans that boosted up my credentials while trying to bring me down with so many gigabytes of commentary on this very site.
But I’m not going to do it.
I may hate baseball, but I am better than that. Plus, there is no way a fan of any sport is stupid enough to promote my negative view of their sport, while trying to bring me down by spiking my traffic to make me both credible and important at the same time. No, there is no segment of sports fans that could possibly be that paradoxically helpful. Because that would be the ultimate slap in the face to their sport. So I guess I’ll skip writing about how baseball is dumb and stick to what I know, because there’s no way I’d garner extra hits by doing the other thing.